Religion makes the freedom to love a very difficult act.
It’s hard to forget your first love, especially if you are an antisocial, selfish, depressed idiot who is afraid of commitment of any sort. Breakups, apart from ripping your heart out, tend to make you say and do extremely stupid shit. Drunk shit. So imagine how it went for me, the ultimate antisocial, selfish, depressed idiot who is too afraid to commit!
The first place I found myself was on his Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and even LinkedIn accounts. I casually double tapped on that pic from two months ago and waited for a few minutes for him to respond by double tapping on one of mine. I waited to see that notification that says ‘<insert name here> liked your picture’, in other words, ‘he fucking adores you!’.
But that never happened and when I woke up the next morning, I regretted all the double taps and maybe the one (or twelve) messages I may or may not have sent him. After three cans of beer. And I started contemplating the entire relationship and wondering where and how it went wrong. Was I an idiot? Was he worth it? Was it going to end anyway?
The only alt-right I can accept is right there. Source: rebelcircus.com
He was a Catholic and he was bisexual.
Now, his bisexuality didn’t necessarily bother me. I mean yes, as someone who is too far left of the Neil Patrick Harris-Chris Hemsworth scale of sexuality (assuming both are epitomes of the sexual orientation they say they belong to), it wasn’t easy to understand. I had my questions and doubts and he answered some of them and I googled the rest. So trust me, we were good in that department. Well…sort of.
He used to say his bisexuality gives him a choice never to come out to his parents. And get married as per their wishes, and society’s, and the lord’s too, probably. The fact that he was so fucking honest to tell me that in the very beginning of the relationship should have been a red flag. Let’s just say all the love hormones and sex stopped me from seeing it. I was too stupidly in love, even though I was on my way to becoming a full-blown atheist. And he wasn’t one of those moderately religious guys either. He used to write letters to the Pope, yes the Pope!
Only behind closed doors. Image source: graytvinc.com
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike Catholics or religious people for that matter. I strongly believe that everyone should have the freedom to follow and practice any religion they choose, as long as they don’t hurt themselves or anyone else, or try to force it on anyone or the constitution. But when it comes to dating, to be honest, a religious person is a deal breaker for me. Doesn’t matter if he’s Catholic, Hindu, Muslim, Jew or Dothraki (is that a religion?). He can believe in God or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but to live his life according to the word of the good lord? Nah-ah. Swipe left!
I don’t think I’d feel as strongly about it if I were straight, though. It’s a well-known fact that religion is one of the biggest threats to the LGBTQ community in the world. Although the current liberal Pope seems to be more accepting and tolerant, it takes a lot more to change what’s written in Holy books, and the minds of people who live by it to fit their own conservative agenda.
Being bi doubles our chances of a date. Image source: lillyblack82888.wordpress.com
So being L, G, B, T or Q, or any letter that represents anything other than the good ol’ cisgendered heterosexual, and being a follower of any homophobic religion, is to me the perfect example of an oxymoron.
Then again, so is being a woman and being religious. Many religions are designed to oppress them, but many women are still religious. So I chose to stay quiet about the whole Catholic thing with him.
I listened and nodded along with a smile when he enthusiastically showed me all the letters he wrote to the pope, And the responses he got all the way from the Vatican, beautifully framed in his room.
But there were times when I couldn’t help but wonder how on earth he balances his legs on both boats, drifting away from each other as the world moves on. Once, when he came over to my place straight from church and we made out, I asked him if he thinks what we were doing is a sin or if he’s scared or ashamed of it. He said no. Then I reminded him of the fact that according to his religion, it is a sin. All I got in response was a shrug and ‘it is what it is’. But that answer wasn’t good enough for me. It never was and never will be, no matter how big his willy is, or how good the sinning is.
A typical conversation between me and lover boy
So I started thinking of that answer whenever I had the urge to go to his Facebook or Instagram. To remind myself it was going to end someday anyway, and we never had any future to begin with. It’s been almost 3 years, and looking back I can’t believe we dated for however long we did. But at the end of the day, he was my first love and I don’t regret anything. Like the corny saying goes, `Its better to have loved…’
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are independent views solely of the author(s) expressed in their private capacity and do not in any way represent or reflect the views of 101India.com.
By: Arjun Raj
Cover photo credit: pakistantv.tv