Discovering the world of internet porn changed my sex life for good.

I am a young divorcee, currently in a relationship with an on again, off again boyfriend. You could call me a feminist who loves sex. I have mastered the art of sexting, I also occasionally engage in dirty talk during sex and have on rare occasions, played with myself. I consider myself single most times. In fact, I believe that it is not at all easy to find a man to have a relationship with, but easier to find one whom you can have a fling with. Casual sex is a personal choice.

Let’s just say, where relationships are concerned I believe my marriage was an accident. We came from very different worlds and did not have the same outlook towards life. In bed as well, while I have always loved sex and wanted it most times, he wasn’t always interested. A recipe for disaster if you ask me. And that’s where that union ended.

I know there’s no such thing as a perfect partner, and I’m no stranger to the fact that women struggle to achieve an orgasm. I mean, the idea that one out of every three women don’t orgasm during sexual intercourse is downright disturbing! So between freelance writing during the day, watching drama on television in the evening, and old fashioned cowboy position sex with my boyfriend by night - I was thirsty for more. Having had my fill of men and relationships, I decided I wanted to see what all the fuss about porn was. What was so exciting about it that a member of the Indian parliament struggled to control his sexual urges in session? I was about to find out.

Porn was banned and then ‘unbanned’. I am not even sure what India’s stance about it is right now. One thing I know for sure is that porn is probably the most popular theme amongst male WhatsApp groups in India. Though it is often the kind of porn that does not appeal to women.

Related: Dear Censor Board: I’m A Woman And I Love Having Sex

Now feminist porn is not easily accessible and neither is it created keeping brown-skinned people in mind. The latter is just a preferential sexual requisite. For some strange reason, while contemplating my introduction to the world of pornography, I was faced by a sudden moral dilemma. It was as if this inner bharatiya sanskaari woman was questioning my desires, telling me that this is what perverts seek. Even if it wasn’t for perverts, porn was probably for sexually frustrated, young college boys or old men whose wives had lost all interest in them, in themselves and in sex.

Struggle to orgasm

Struggling to orgasm. Image source: civilized.life

But my thirst for sexual independence and the ability to achieve an orgasm on my own without a man penetrating me, was sky high! And so, on a lonely Wednesday afternoon, I opened my laptop and enthusiastically logged onto a pornographic website. The first thing I saw was hundreds of videos featuring naked women, screaming in what seemed like agony. I realised finding the right pornographic video was no easy task. If I wanted to give myself an orgasm or get even close to it, I had to find something that would turn me on.

Related: I Wonder If Indian Porn Will Ever Come Of Age

After about 20 minutes, I finally found a video that did not gross me out, make me laugh or shudder in fright. If I wasn’t an amateur at surfing pornographic videos, I would have given you a detailed description of it. Was it the most mentally and visually stimulating film I had seen? Probably not. Did it turn me on? Hell yes! I had goosebumps and my flesh was tingling. The most important part of finding a good video, is finding one where your deepest, hidden sexual desires come alive on screen. It is important to create a sexually exciting mood to mentally stimulate yourself to enjoy the experience physiologically. Because once you are there, you are not too far away from the elusive, female orgasm.

That was the first Wednesday afternoon that I achieved an orgasm alone. There is something incredibly beautiful about the immensely personal act of masturbation. The sweating, euphoria and contentment experienced is honestly empowering. Giving myself an orgasm made me swell with confidence in the realization that a human being has so much control over the happiness of their mind, body and soul.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are independent views solely of the author(s) expressed in their private capacity and do not in any way represent or reflect the views of 101India.com.

By Pooja Bhatia
Cover photo credit: Wikimedia.org