Petition for a National Single’s Day.

Dear Citizen,

14^th February – a date most dreaded by single men and women haunted by the prospect of Valentine’s Day. A date when millions of lovely loveless people face the loneliness of not having a date. And even worse, its when the men have to first check the stag price for every party they are invited to. The numerous listeners of music find no special meaning in their lyrics. These people are getting tired of being continually bombarded with images of creepy teddy bears, blindingly-bright red hearts, gross PDA and questions about their imaginary sex life. They are getting a sense that society, commerce, and the family unit is rigged against them and views them as low life.

Ugh! Image source: catbrella.com

Ugh! Image source: catbrella.com

So today, they want to hereby establish their huge presence and reclaim their respect as they rightly deserve. No longer will they be swept under the carpet for the “forever-and-ever” type couples to dance over. So on their behalf, we ask for your support in the creation of a National Single’s Day, to be held annually.

Singles have contributed greatly to human progress in every sphere. Leonardo Da Vinci was not sharing nariyal pani with two straws while creating his magnificent art, Jane Austen was not writing cheesy love notes when sitting at her desk, and Nicola Tesla never had to memorise a “first-month kiss anniversary” date, allowing him to focus on some real numbers. Even our very own PM Narendra Modi knew he wouldn’t make it in life if he was kept waiting for hours outside trial rooms in shopping malls!

So Mitron, there is no shame in coming out as single. Take pride in your social anxiety that doesn’t let you approach a possible partner, and your introversion that doesn’t let you leave the house to even try that.

Join hands (platonically) and assert your right for a day that celebrates your solo existence. Let companies far and wide who sell nauseating “couple products” know that you will not be ignored and the nauseating buyers of these products and packages know that you will not be intimidated by their intimacy.

We are heart-broken and feel like shit. Image source: poojadhingra/Le 15 Patisserie

Related: The Worst Sex Ever

Our Demands for National Single’s Day:
  1. Valentine’s Day to be pushed to the 29th of Feb instead of the 14th. Thus, to be celebrated only once in 4 years.
  2. Discounted holiday packages, akin to those offered to couples, on the revised Valentine’s Day occasion.  
  3. Discrimination against singles by club owners to be firmly addressed and possibly reversed. Separate “Couple Zone”, on the lines of smoking  zones, to be created.
  4. Companies marketing products specifically for couples be taxed a 2% Single Vikas Yojna. All funds to be directed towards research on  manufacturing single-seater cars.
  5. PDA to be a punishable offence, with handholding charged by a minimum of 4 years in jail and kissing by life imprisonment (to be released upon break-up).
  6. Bajrang Dal and their ilk be provided official status.
  7. "Third wheels", those selfless friends giving company to couples, be paid a fee on per hour basis. Photographs where they are excluded to    be  charged extra.

This is the only way to redress the years of favouritism on couples. Singles no longer care about your “its complicated” Facebook updates. We are unapologetic about our relationship status and our advanced masturbatory skills.

Yay for singledom! Image source: pinterest.com

Yay for singledom! Image source: pinterest.com

Related: Is He A Fuckboy Or A Friend?

How Do We Plan To Celebrate:
  1. A special pamphlet of poetry to counteract those quoted by couples; Ghalib and the likes. These poems will reach straight to the heart of singles by singing consolatory praises of jealousy, betrayal, and heartaches.
      “Agarche phool ye apne liye khareede hain
      Koi jo pooche to kah dunga us ne bheje hain”
      - Iftikhar Naseem
      (Although these flowers for myself have I bought
      If someone inquires I shall call them a lover’s present)
  2. Poster burning of Dil Wale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge and other movies responsible for injecting the nation with the sticky virus of romance. Actors of such movies may also be thrown into the holy pyre.
  3. Philosophical discourse by celibate sadhus reminding us that we were born, and will die, alone. Hence, being single is our natural state of being.
  4. Special seminars that aim at improving social skills and identifying traces of suppressed homosexuality.
  5. A drastic revision of the Valentines Day Week, as follows:
      i. 7th Feb - Black Rose Day 
     ii. 8th Feb - Propose a Revolution Day
    iii. 9th Feb-  Chocolate and Rum Day
     iv. 10th Feb - Scary Costume Teddy Day
      v. 11th Feb - Abstinence from Texts and Calls Without Feeling Guilty Day
     vi. 12th Feb - Spend the Money You Saved by Remaining Single Day
    vii. 13th Feb - Kiss the Pretty Person in the Mirror Day
   viii. 14th Feb - National Single’s Day

I do. Image source: thevarsity.ca

I do. Image source: thevarsity.ca

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are independent views solely of the author(s) expressed in their private capacity and do not in any way represent or reflect the views of 101india.com

By Jitesh Jaggi
Cover photo credit: YouTube.com