If I could include my partner in an affair, we could find a way to make things work.

A few weeks ago during the long Republic Day weekend, I was going down on a woman on the balcony of her hotel room. We thought we saw someone watching us from the opposite side. But before we could get up and move, the woman’s husband came out with a few other people, and politely shielded us. All the while watching and encouraging us to keep at it.

If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is.

Swinging has been around for a long time, decades in fact, but with the advent of social media and more Indians getting online, there’s been a literal explosion of couples on the scene. Of course, swingers don’t advertise themselves publicly and look like anyone else. It’s not like you can spot them in a crowd, and it would be extremely awkward if you just walk up to a cosy couple and ask if they’d like a hand, or more. Swingers look like normal people, behave like normal people and are extremely normal people. With a broader view of love and sex.

Swingers symbol. Image source: PPcorn.com

Swingers symbol. Image source: PPcorn.com

As a teenager, and even now as an adult, I have seen many conventional marriages break up and destroy lives. Usually it was because the husband or the wife had an affair. And if that didn’t signal the end, the relationship became strained and painful for everyone involved. It was clear to me even at that age that monogamy is not just difficult, but may be impossible for me. Being completely honest, communicating effectively, and respecting each other was very important to me, and it seemed futile to end a marriage or destroy a home for the sake of sex. Of course there are many reasons why a husband or wife would choose to have an affair. But to me, if I couldn’t confess my deepest fears, insecurities, fantasies, thoughts and ideas to my partner without fear or judgment, then I wasn’t doing justice to either of us. Or to the very idea of marriage.

Marriage to me is a lifetime commitment to a person, a promise that no matter what, both partners would be there for each other. That we would share each others joys and sorrows (as corny as that sounds), and always support each other, no matter how old, haggard, or harrowed either partner became. The moment you have an affair and break that mutual trust between partners, nothing can bring it back again. Of course, some marriages survive an affair, but let’s face it, it’s never the same again.

I hypothesized that if I could include my partner in an affair, a 3some or swinging, we could find a way to make things work. So I did some extensive research. Looked up websites online, spoke to friends and finally met a few swingers. And I found that in almost all cases, my theory was correct.

Is monogamy possible? Image source: urbanchick.nl

Is monogamy possible? Image source: urbanchick.nl

I found that swingers, or rather people who have an open mind about partners having sex outside their marriage, have some of the happiest and successful marriages. The love was deeper, the openness was exhilarating, the sharing was exciting, the trust was reinforced with every encounter, and the commitment to each other only grew deeper. So I decided that I was going to experiment with that kind of life and try to have that kind of relationship. I wanted my partner to understand and be open to these things, just as it would be expected from me.
The experiment goes on…

During the Republic day weekend I took time off and headed to Goa. Every beach was the most crowded I had ever seen it, and for most swingers, it’s the best time to meet other swingers from around India. Some of them had been planning it for months and a few of them invited me. 

Mind you, this wasn’t some organized massive Indian swingers meet. I was joining a large group from Delhi, people I have known for years now. The plan was to catch up for drinks one evening between ourselves, and then spend the next evening at a popular club, meeting other groups of swingers.

Swinging couple. Image source: heykiki.com

Swinging couples. Image source: heykiki.com

By the time I reached the venue on the first evening, most of the group was already pretty high on wine and happy to meet me after so long. I guess I’ve earned a bit of a reputation among this group for being kinky, with ready advice on anal sex, bondage and spanking. So of course, the jokes and jibes followed for a while, with husbands asking me to train their wives properly, wives screaming that they didn’t need any training and the waiters wondering why everyone was shouting about sex, spanking and swinging. I’m guessing the tables around us had similar questions. There’s something very charming about ribald Hindi comments like “Tum mere daddy ho!”, “Year, meri biwi kiddhar gayi?” and the timeless one - “Punjabi’s are best in bed, better than Columbians!!”. 

Post drinks, we all hopped into cabs and drove down to their apartment hotel, where the group had two large apartments. We quickly set one up to be the dance floor, clearing the furniture and arranging for drinks. Lights were dimmed  and soon, raunchy Bollywood tracks were being belted out, with some tempered EDM from me. People were pairing off into bedrooms for quickies, while the rest of us were chatting, dancing or enjoying a smoke on the balcony. It was during this time that one of the women started dancing with me, and I suggested we head out to the balcony to make out. Clearly, she had different ideas and pretty soon, we were having our own little private time out in the open, while the others were peeking in through the window. When the husband saw that someone else from the other balcony was watching, he quickly stepped out and helped cover us up. The rest of the evening went off fairly well, and we called it a night by 5am.

Swingers are normal but different. Image source: media.timeout.com

Swingers are normal but different. Image source: media.timeout.com

You can find such Indian swingers on many websites, but you have to be careful of the fakes, the posers, the troublemakers and the content stealers. It’s very easy to be lured into a chat with someone you think is a couple, but may just turn out to be a pervy 15-year-old boy, or a sleazy, pot-bellied 60-year-old man, trying to get your pictures and phone number. Yes, there’s always a risk of that happening and some swingers have had their identities stolen, their pictures downloaded and shared by perverts, and in some cases, persistent abusive phone calls or messages.

Swingers try to look out for people who are honest, open-minded, usually married or dating seriously, and well-settled in life. If you’re deemed respectful, fun, and genuinely nice to hang out with, you can end up meeting tons of couples through the circuit, since word passes quickly and references are always trusted. Of course, this could take a year or more, as swingers prefer getting to know a person well enough before deciding to hook up with them.

Among the community too, there are a couple of red flags to watch out for, like:
1. Paid couples who will usually have sex for a fee.
2. Scam couples who usually steal your number / pictures and pretend to be you on other websites.
3. Couples where the husband wants you to convince his wife.
4. Single guys pretending to be couples.
5. Single guys pretending to be couples but admitting to being single once you start chatting.

Nothing pisses a swinger off more than a fake profile or false information. And that dreaded phrase “Yes Dear”. If you manage to cross all these hurdles and end up meeting a few good couples, maybe even have a good time with them, then you’ve just got very lucky. Don’t squander it!

Do it for yourself. Image source: globalhobo.com

Do it for yourself. Image source: globalhobo.com

Most swingers stick to their age range for obvious reasons - attractiveness & mental compatibility. I’ve found that being fit helps in this department. I need to bring something to the table of a 26-year-old girl. Likewise, no matter how cool or horny a guy you are, it will be difficult for you to find a fat pot bellied aunty attractive. In your eyes she will always only be an aunty. Even younger, more attractive couples tend to seek equally young and attractive couples. Rarely will you find a 20-something couple out with a 40-something couple. But when 2-3 couples are comfortable with each other, they end up forming a close-knit group of sorts. The more couples you include in this group, the bigger it becomes. All it requires is multiple levels of compatibility and shared experiences.

What I have found is that compatibility also means the ability to be friendly, fun and hold a conversation with the other person. With 2 swinger couples, you require 4-way compatibility. With 3 couples, it’s 6-way, and so on. This can be the most difficult part of forming a group of like-minded swingers. But the real trick is shared experiences. The more I’ve played with a couple, the more likely I am to become good friends with them too. And once you are open to non-sexual company, then you can afford to do those overnight stays out of town, or the longer 4-day holidays, where it’s not always about the sex, but the shared fun you can have.

There is no real limit to when and how often we get together. Sometimes it may be 2-3 times a week, or 2-3 times a year. It totally depends from couple to couple, group to group. Swingers usually have kids, so sometimes they go on family holidays and sometimes `swingers holidays’. 

People often ask me if I have fallen in love with someone else’ wife, or fallen out of love with my own partner. But very rarely does this happen. Usually couples are very secure in their marriages and swinging is only about sharing that experience with their partner. So even if you do fall in love with someone else, your partner is probably falling for them too! What is more common among swingers are divorces, because some people get into swinging for the wrong reasons.

Finally my two bits as a swinger veteran would be - never do it for someone else, or because your partner wants to try it. Be sure that it is what you want to do. You have to be ok about letting your partner have fun and enjoy themselves, without losing self-respect or confidence in yourself, or them, or the people you play with. 

At the end of the day, swinging is about love, and sharing that love with the people you invite into bed with you. So in this month of love, spread the love!

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are independent views solely of the author(s) expressed in their private capacity and do not in any way represent or reflect the views of 101India.com.
Images have been used for representational purposes only.

By Bharat Singh
Cover photo credit: guestlist.gr