As a loyal customer, I have just one question – What do I use my 4G for?

Unless you spend your life in a wifi zone, you’d know that most Indian Internet providers have banned access to porn sites. It always amazes me how we choose to blame porn, films and television for the evil happening in the country. It also amazes me how nobody seems to find a problem with it. I have met people my age (read young) who have said it might be a good thing because it might make them more productive (as opposed to what…reproductive?) Yet, the most fundamental question of rights is never discussed.

When I speak of access to pornography as a right, I am often mocked for being elitist. I am reminded that education became a right less than a decade ago. That the courts spoke of electricity being a right to all Indians only this year. Women are still fighting the right to enter a place of worship, and getting divorced over WhatsApp messages. And here I am, a horny, entitled individual calling pornography a right.

Related: Will Indian Porn Ever Come Of Age?

While I respect other issues, I don’t understand how they have anything to do with my good friends at PornHub and XHamster. This has been a consistent habit of the Indian government - irrespective of the party in power. Sushma Swaraj was a pioneer of sorts in these matters. She requested Doordarshan newsreaders not to wear semi-transparent sarees while reading the news. She also banned television advertisements for alcohol and cigarettes. She then banned a show on All India Radio - Kaam ki baat (full points to Copywriter for the pun!). The show spoke to people about sex-education and the dangers of AIDS. However it was deemed to be ‘encouraging adultery’.

It isn’t like the opposition, which paints itself as the Doga of Democracy, was any better. The disruptive rule of showing disclaimers for smoking/drinking during films was brought in their time. Every time they speak of freedom, celestial angels chop off a thumb while crying in agony, and laughing at the irony.

Is pornography our ‘right’? Image source: salonurody.com

Irrespective of the party, governments in power have always taken it upon themselves to play the role of Bade Bhaiyya. We are told pornography promotes sexual violence, and needs to be curbed. Maybe, but every viewer in India wont start an orgy after seeing an episode of Brazzers. And even if I assumes it’s true, how does you explain BJP ministers who were caught surfing porn in the Assembly?

Circa 2012, Karnataka’s State Minister for Cooperation (ahem!) was caught by television cameras sharing a porn clip with the Minister for Women and Child Development (ahem ahem!). Interestingly, the clip belonged to the Minister for Ports, Science and Technology. What a great advertisement for a prospective ‘Shake in India’ campaign!

Another Karnataka politician was caught browsing obscene pictures of women on his phone during a Tipu Jayanti function. In his defence, the minister said he was collecting information about celebrations across the state. Why don’t you let me collect information about Czechoslovakia too? Or evidence of interracial interaction across the world?

Related: “I Even Recommend Pornography As A Treatment Sometimes”

The Venom-like monster of censorship has spread its tentacles to nearly every form - on television words like ‘ass’, ‘shit’, and ‘boobs’ are beeped out. Not only audio, even subtitles are written like short, weak passwords - back, waste matter, and chest.

While the developed world is relaxing regulations towards sexual preferences, we are accusing Johnny Sins of grave sins. While other countries are legalising marijuana, we have problems with mannequins wearing lingerie. There are dangerous side-effects to such legislations. They may be introduced to portray a conservative image or cater to a vote-bank, but these changes stay for decades. No bills are passed to revoke them, and I’m worried future generations will mock us in disbelief when we narrate stories of FTV and Michel Adams’s calendar.

But today, more than Modi Kaka, I feel betrayed by Mukesh Bhai. Reliance Jio was the first carrier to implement the porn ban. I have knowingly or unknowingly been a loyal customer of the company throughout my life. On festive and important occasions, my family bought Only Vimal cloth. Then there was Reliance Smart - Odisha’s first GSM Mobile Network service. I have bought ‘Lifetime’ packs that lasted 6 months (who’s lifetime?). I have paid a rupee for sending Santa Banta jokes on holidays and festivals. I have also worked in their Customer Care, answering queries that ranged from ‘Aye, take off your bra’, to ‘Why is the network bad on Wednesdays?’

And, oh, how can one forget Reliance Infocomm? The dream of owning a mobile phone for 500 bucks. How could I, in my Tere Naam hairstyle, resist that? I logged into R-World and watched a video on a mobile for the first time. A Kailash Kher video shot in Potatopixel, where I couldn’t tell if it was the singer or a butterfly.

When you asked me to Karlo Duniya Mutthi Mein, I agreed. But little did I know you want complete control over what else I use my ‘mutthi’ for!

Related: For Many Women, Steady Relationships Are No Longer The Best Bet For Sex

And now what do you expect your 160 million customers to do? Youtube India already looks like a dystopian corner of the Internet. I search for an AC/DC video and am directed to ‘Hot Aunty Romance with Electrician’. I have to wade through Hot Aunty Navel Videos to get to anywhere on YouTube.

What will our politicians do? How will they pass time in the Assembly? What about those delightful moments when railway stations begin playing porn clips? Not everybody in India knows that they could UC Browser to access the sites. Or that they can install a VPN if they are determined individuals.

This isn’t fair! When we signed up for 3G or 4G, little did we know we will get caught in a Government Order. Come on, Jio aur jeene do.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are independent views solely of the author(s) expressed in their private capacity and do not in any way represent or reflect the views of 101india.com

By Hriday Ranjan
Cover photo credit: flipboard.com