An autobiography of a peacock.

It all began when a video tape leaked on Facebook. It showed me and my peahen in a compromising position. Don’t get me wrong, we were simply experimenting.  Lately, it had been difficult for me to cry. So one night after observing two zookeepers, we decided we need to be open-minded and accept new ways to spark our sex life.

Little did we know we were being watched by the mechanical glass eye of a camera phone. But that was years ago and I wondered at the sudden resurgence of interest in my mating rituals. Google searches for “peacock sex” were going through the roof. Apparently it was to counter religious evidence with scientific evidence in the High Court. All privacy gone just to appease the sick fantasy of humans to prove other humans wrong. This time it was for a High Court judge.

Celibate creatures. Image source:coverquickmeme.com

Celibate creatures. Image source:coverquickmeme.com

Man, it’s hard being a peacock. That is all you need to know. I should not have to go into details for your amusement. Okay I admit, that’s probably the sexual frustration speaking. I mean, we are fed thrice a day, get a feather trim every once in a while, and get called for Bollywood movie shoots at the start monsoon. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings. There are other things needed to sustain life.

After the infamous Facebook incident, my peahen left me. She couldn’t handle the fame and the shame. We had news reporters following us to our barns! She wasn’t ready for that kind of attention. I remember seeing under-slept reporters surrounding us at a distance and as soon as they would see my eyes getting moist, they would jump on their feet and get the cameras rolling. It was embarrassing!

Peacock porn. Image source: catchnews.com

Peacock porn. Image source: catchnews.com

It wasn’t bad initially. I was enjoying the newly single life. I began travelling a lot and signed offers for movies and local chai patti endorsements. Often, I would be asked to pose for pictures so children could draw me in their art classes. Royalties kept pouring in from songs mentioning my name. My feathers were selling at premium prices, especially among teenage lovers and wish-granting saints.

But it wasn’t long before I started feeling lonely. It was embarrassing to wake up with tear stains on my face. I tried hooking up with other peahens but word had already got out and they wanted nothing to do with me. I could have served my tears in a royal bowl and they would still ignore me. 

So here I was, dripping tears by the buckets, and no one to gulp them. I inquired about sealing off my tear ducts. Other cocks around me were losing their virginity while I was losing my virility as each day went by. They even started mocking me by calling me just “Pea”. Plus the High Court judge from Rajasthan wouldn’t apologise to the media. To make matters worse, he kept making comment after comment citing scriptures dated from when there was no access to videos or the internet.

The peahen gives birth after it gets impregnated with the tears of the peacock – High Court Judge Mahesh Chandra Sharma. Image source: dnaindia.com

The peahen gives birth after it gets impregnated with the tears of the peacock – High Court Judge Mahesh Chandra Sharma. Image source: dnaindia.com

I had entered the dark ages of my love life; just like my fellow humans with regard to their understanding of Science and basic Biology. I lost all enthusiasm and it would take at least 5 onions to even make my eyes wet anymore. This, as compared to a year ago when I was suffering from premature crying. In retrospect, that was much better.

I am now taking the judge to court for defamation and negative propaganda. I see it as an attempt to make my species extinct, so they can drop my status from the coveted National Bird of India and assign it to an animal. As if competition from rival birds wasn’t enough, I now had to be wary of cows and other four-legged creatures who probably didn’t even want that status. All they want is to be left in peace with 600 nonrecyclable plastic bags to munch on.

It’s a tough jungle ahead, but I am certain that I will come out of it with flying colors (no pun intended). Meanwhile, I have my leaked tapes to look at. And some jokes that are doing the rounds. Enjoy!

1.    Onions are an aphrodisiac for peacocks
2.    A handkerchief is a contraceptive
3.    What does the peacock say to the peahen when he is not in the mood? Pushpa I hate tears!
4.    Another contraceptive for peacocks – Johnson's No More Tears shampoo

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By Jitesh Jaggi
Cover photo credit: femina.in